Poetry Thursday

This is my first foray into Poetry Thursday. I thought one had to write a poem to participate, and since I am not a poet, I bowed out. But then poetmom told me how wrong I was! All one needs to do is talk about poetry. What fun! And luckily, FC just told me about a wonderful poetry resource: American Life in Poetry.

At this web site, former poet laureate Ten Kooser picks a poem each week and comments on it. He allows publications to reproduce the column for free because he wants to see poems reach more people via newspapers and blogs. I love any idea that creates writerly community, and this one does just that.

Here's this week's column:


American Life in Poetry: Column 106

BY TED KOOSER, U.S. POET LAUREATE, 2004-2006

By describing the relocation of the moles which ravaged her yard, Washington poet Judith Kitchen presents an experience that resonates beyond the simple details, and suggests that children can learn important lessons through observation of the natural world.

Catching the Moles

First we tamp down the ridges
that criss-cross the yard

then wait for the ground
to move again.

I hold the shoe box,
you, the trowel.

When I give you the signal
you dig in behind

and flip forward.
Out he pops into daylight,

blind velvet.

We nudge him into the box,
carry him down the hill.

Four times we've done it.
The children worry.

Have we let them all go
at the very same spot?

Will they find each other?
We can't be sure ourselves,

only just beginning to learn
the fragile rules of uprooting.

Poem copyright © 1986 by Judith Kitchen, whose most recent book is the novel, "The House on Eccles Road," Graywolf Press, 2004. Reprinted from "Perennials," Anhinga Press, 1986, with permission of the author. This weekly column is supported by The Poetry Foundation, The Library of Congress, and the Department of English at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln. This column does not accept unsolicited poetry.


I love the way the end of the poem opens up to be about so much more than just moles. It brought to mind the children the poem mentions, and how much of parenting is learning how to root and unroot children as they grow. I also like the line "blind velvet." It lent sympathy to these creatures who are ruining the garden.

Learning

I feel like I'm really getting somewhere with my story. More than that, I feel like I'm really getting somewhere with my writing. First semester the most important thing I learned was what a real story was--that it showed movement of a discernable sort and that it was made up of scenes that built on one another and had true purposes. (I probably knew these basic things somewhere, but I didn't know them, if you know what I mean.)

This semester I'm learning a ton about how to bring out theme in a story, how to use details to build up that theme in interesting ways. And I feel like I can see a serious progression in the strength of my pieces from the first ones I handed in last June to this last one I'm working on now (with a serious blip in there to mark the crap that was the first story I handed in this semester).

So, kudos to me. Hah. Just kidding. But I am pretty amazed with how much I'm learning from this program. I should be an advertisement for Lesley College.

hello!

I don't have much to say today. One might ask, Why post then? Because I am needing community right now. And this blog is my main source of connection with writerly peeps. So, that's all. Just wanted to say hello.

PS--It's snowing. Hard.

For National Poetry Month

I don't read as much poetry as I should, mostly because I find I only like/understand a small portion of poetry and it can be time consuming to find that stuff. I came across Pablo Neruda years ago, and just adore him. My aunt read this poem at my and B's wedding.

Sonnet XVII
by Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose
or topaz or the arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers,
thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving than this:
where there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
***

Suggest some poets I should check out!

How not to have a nervous breakdown

Anyone who knows me might guffaw at this post's title. After all, nervous breakdowns and I are quite intimate. But, I have managed to stay fairly sane around my MFA work. So I thought I'd write about things I've found helpful.

First and foremost, I give myself a 5-7 day break after handing in my submission. I might work on stuff, but I don't have to. During that time I can read books not on my reading list, watch movies, catch up on house stuff I've been putting off, etc. I generally try to plan something nice for the weekend after a submission. This time, I'm going to NY to visit my family. This time off really helps me feel like my degree has not totally taken over my life.

Generally there's one weeknight a week that I don't work on MFA stuff. It tends to be Wednesday, and Brian and I tend to do something nice that night.

On the weekends, work is definitely a priority, but I always squeeze some not-work into each day. This weekend, on Saturday I had brunch with some friends, then worked for most of the day, and then went to a movie at night. Sunday I played tennis and then worked for most of the day.

That's about all. There are still some areas where I'd like to be saner--namely in not freaking out and doubting that I'll ever be any good at this stuff. Have any tips for keeping a balance between work (schoolwork or otherwise) and life?

Deepest, darkest

When I saw this week's href="http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com">Sunday Scribblings topic, of course I thought of "secret". But I didn't want to be that obvious. So I let my mind ramble, and I came to this woman. Thought I'd share her character sketch.

She's sitting at a cafe, drinking black coffee and watching people duck under
the awning outside to escape the rain. She thinks how cozy they look,
all huddled together like people looking share some experience. She's
young, 30ish, with straight black hair like Elvira. She's taking her afternoon work break, escaping the squeaking of the photocopier and the insistent cough of her office mate.

She likes her desserts dark and rich. Coffee, chocolate, cake. She
threatens one day to open a bakery called the Deepest Darkest. It would
specialize only in things she loves. Her boyfriend says that that's
what's wrong with her: that she's egotistical enough to think that
anyone else would care about a whole store that caters just to her
desires. She thinks egotism is underrated. If she's not going to make
the world conform to her needs, who will?

Counting Backwards

I'm way behind and I'm having a hard time concentrating on my MFA work this week, so I need a backwards schedule to get me going. Here goes:

This weekend: Draft 1 annotation, read three short stories and decide on theme for other annotation. Write for at least 2 hours a day to get a full first draft down.

Next week: Draft second annotation, spend at least one hour each night revising story.

April 6: Finalize story

April 7: Away--no work!

April 8: Revise annotations, proof story

April 9: Write letter, send in submission

My dream "job"

I just found out that an organization called 826 is opening a creative
writing space in my neighborhood. The mission, according to their href="http://www.826national.org/content/46/826-boston">website
is: supporting students ages 6-18 with their creative and
expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their
students to write.

Could that be any more in line with what I
want to do with my life? Nope. I immediately downloaded a volunteer
application and filled it out. I'll mail it tonight on my way home from
work. Please, please, please, creative gods, look down on me and let me
be a part of this amazing project! (I'm so excited I'm having trouble
pressing "publish" on this post, as if I might jinx myself somehow.)

Who's your audience?

The Urban Muse tagged me for a meme answering the question in the title.

It's interesting to think about who the audience of this blog is, since I can't really say with any authority. Right now this is mainly a space for me to describe my journey through my MFA program and connect with other writers. Eventually, I'd love to make it a place where other writers come for inspiration and to realize that they're not alone in the process. I have some ideas on how to do this, but I just don't have the time to devote to it right now. Some day...

If you're reading this, say hi in the comments so I know who my audience is!

If you want to ponder the question about your own blog, please tag yourself.

Feedback

I got some great feedback from my mentor recently. She's still not one
for doling out praise, but I could tell that she liked my new work (and
annotations--thanksMISers !) much better than my last.

I still have a lot of character development to do. That's one thing I find hard about writing a new story every month--I feel like there's just not enough time to
get to know the character. I guess that's what revision is for.

My mentor also said something that I imagine an astute shrink could also
say about me: "You tend to beat around the bush at dramatic moments."
Yup. That's me. Crouching under the bed to avoid emotionally difficult
situations.

Plans by five

I tagged myself for this meme. Thanks to Laini (of Sunday Scribblings fame) for introducing it to me.

Five month plan:

* Recharge my creative battery at my MFA residency at the end of June.
* Finish 2 short stories, and revise 2 others
* Read lots and lots of great books
* Continue meditating and journaling on more days than not
* Have a kick ass garden and allow myself time to enjoy it and all the wonders of summer.

Five year plan:

* Publish some short stories and essays
* Get some writing teaching gigs
* Move to N. Carolina
* Get another dog
* Finally make a decision as to whether or not we want to have kids
* Visit, in no particular order: Costa Rica, Australia, India, China.


Five decade plan:
* Learn to be calm
* Make a living off of writing creative stuff
* Figure out a way to reach and inspire other writers
* Really cherish life.

I'd like to thank the academy...

What an honor! Becca gave me a "thinking blogger" award! So sweet! I really can't believe it. I feel like I just won an Oscar.

I will definitely play along and make other people feel as good as I do! Here are the rules: Think of five bloggers that provide you with some flavorful, spicy, comforting, food for thought, and then:

1. Write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to the original post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display your 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

And the winners are.... (I cheated and picked more than 5. Sorry!)
1- Of course I have to give a shout out to the three women who keep me blogging (and from going crazy in general), my fellow MFAers Fat Charlatan, Transitions Ink, and The Repeater. All of these women are so smart in every sense of the word, and so generous and supportive, too. They have really made my MFA experience what it is!

2- And I'd like to honor two other writer friends who were also my bosses back when I interned at a publishing company: BostonErin and Poet Mom. Poetmom is such an ingenious poet--both in how she writes and how she thinks about ways to market her writing. Erin has had so much wonderful success in the recent past that she is a true inspiration.

3- My last category is people whom I don't know in real life. It's amazing how much inspiration you can get from total strangers, and how great it is to "meet" people online: Tori has such wonderful, honest posts. Gogo writes about grad school and finding her way through the world beautifully, and, lastly, this is a new blog I found recently and have been really touched by: Hallelujahs

Just not feeling it

I've put in my writing time for today--two hours--but I just wasn't feeling it. I was neither in the scenes enough to get lost in the story, nor out of the story enough to be able to instill in it a sense of theme. Part of the problem, now that I think about it, is that there are more than one themes fighting for attention. And I think I'm trying too hard to get a handle on that. I need to just write and see how things go. I'm being too controlling. (Shocking, I know.) Tomorrow I'll spend my first writing hour freewriting about the character and the situation. Then the next hour I'll go back to the scenes and see where to go next.

Sunday Scribblings: Kitchen

It's been a while since I scribbled. But I'm glad to be back just in time for the anniversary! Congrats, Laini and and Meg. This blog is a wonderful addition to the writing community!

Kitchen
My
kitchen is often a mess. Dishes in the sink, spilled stuff on the
stove, mud on the floor from my dog's paws. But there is beauty behind
the mess, and I've been trying to focus on that. My husband cooks a lot
(and is not a good "clean as you go" chef; he usually leaves a trail of
dirty dishes, counters, etc. behind him). I try to look at the
splatteredstovetop as a symbol of the meals we've shared, and of his
nurturing nature. I try not to focus on the fact that it also
symbolizes our being too busy after dinner to give the kitchen a good
scrub down.

(I'm also trying to devote 2 hours on the weekend
to cleaning so at least everything is neat for a short time. Right now
we just clean when we find the time, which isn't nearly often enough.)


Those are my random thoughts on kitchens. Click here for more.

First writing went OK!

I think it was something about writing my fears of the first draft. After posting my last post, I sat down and wrote for 2 hours. I'm sure what I came up with wasn't good, but it wasn't awful either. But more than that, I clarified some of the story's themes, and I have a game plan for the draft. That's what I'll be doing this weekend--connecting the dots. I also want to get some reading done and spend time outside. I'll soon be posting pics from the garden--spring has sprung in the form of tiny green shoots poking their way through the ground.

Beginning again

What is it about beginning a story that is so scary for me? It's like every time I start over I have to beat down the same fears: fear that the page will remain blank, fear that anything I do put down on it will be utter crap, fear that my last story was as good as it gets--and that wasn't even very good.

Why don't I think these thoughts when I start a new yoga class, or begin a new hike, or start cooking a new meal? I'm guessing it's because I care more about writing than just about anything else. And because my ability to do it (to whatever degree) seems very mysterious to me. I know how I do yoga--I practice and my muscles get strong and then I do it better. I assume that writing is the same way (as I wrote in my F*ck Inspiration post, below). But I don't actually know that. I haven't had a personal trainer tell me it's so in 100% of the cases.

Is this starting fear the same for everyone? Or are you afraid of another part of the process?

For Boston locals

I am a member of the National Writer's Union (and urge all writers to join--they have great resources on things like contracts, and it's a good community of writers in general). Here are some events open to members and non-members. I'm thinking about gonig to all the Writer's Life series except the MFA one. Let me know if you'd like to join me!

1. LEARN YOUR WAY AROUND A CONTRACT
The time to grasp the innards of book contracts is before one lands
on your desk – from agent or publisher – marked “Sign & return ASAP.”
WHEN: Saturday morning, March 31, 10:30-12:30
WHERE: Barnes & Noble, Kenmore Square
WHO: Chris Ammer, National Contract Adviser for the National
Writers Union, and Barbara Mende, Grievance and Contract Division
WHAT: A two-hour session on everything book authors need to know
about getting better contracts and how the union can help them. Topics
include copyright, subsidiary rights, royalties, warranties, option
clauses and more. The free session is open to NWU members and the
general public.


2. Shaping and Taping:
The Art of Taking Your Writing Off the Page and Submitting it to
Public Radio.
WHEN: Saturday, April 28, 2007
WHERE: Community Church of Boston, Copley Sq.
TIME: 10 am to 1 pm
COST: $25 NWU members, $35 non-members
WHAT: Back by popular demand! Writers/commentators Leslie
Brunetta and Judah Leblang and audio producer Robert Smyth will
give a three-hour workshop that offers writers hands-on experience in
reading and recording a short (200-400 word, two-to-three minute) essay.

In the workshop you'll do the following:
}}} Record an essay, commentary or vignette
}}} Get supportive feedback on your reading style and learn to shape
your work for radio
}}} Participate in critiques of others' work
}}} Get tips on approaching local NPR stations and national NPR
programs
}}} Discuss creative ways to take your work "off the page" and
market it to NPR, college stations, and other venues
Sign-up is limited to 12 participants and those on the waiting list from
last time get first dibs. To pre-register: contact National Writers Union,
Boston Chapter co-chair Barbara Beckwith, BeckwithB@aol.com or
call 617-868-3143.


The Writer's Life Series

Check out our link for the details: http://nwuboston.org/writerslife07.html
or go to CCAE http://www.ccae.org/events/events.html to sign up.

April 11 - From Idea to Bookshelf:
Authors Share Their Publishing Stories
The authors discuss their book projects, and the journey from
conception to publication. They reveal what went right, what went
wrong, and what was unexpected.


April 18 - M.F.A. Programs: Weighing the Pros and Cons
With enrollment skyrocketing in M.F.A. programs in Creative Writing,
the panelists will discuss the pros and cons of these programs, as well
as ways in which they may be shaping, for better and worse, the nature
of today's literary fiction. They'll also pose the question: do you need
help in order to write, or you can you trust your own instincts and
go it alone?

April 25 - Blogs, Websites and E-Zines:
Navigating the Literary Landscape Online
Tart and opinionated, erudite and thoughtful discussions about books
all over the Internet offer a refreshing alternative to the mainstream
press. Panelists will direct you to the best and most heavily-trafficked
literary sites online, as well as discuss how, in starting your own blog
or e-zine, you can share your love of books with others while hopefully
finding an audience for your own writing.

May 2 - The Paperwork Behind Publication: The Art of Communicating
with Editors, Agents and Publishers
After the joy of having your work accepted for publication comes the
real paperwork. In an evening of "show and tell," three writers share
queries, invoices, proposal letters, requests for contract changes,
demands for overdue payment, email exchanges over editorial word
changes, and more

Rave

I haven't read a book in a while that was worth singing about. Finally, I randomly found one and am pushing all of you to read it to: The Red Devil by Katherine Russell Rich. It's so beautifully written and very deep. It's a memoir of a woman's experience with breast cancer, but it's really so much more than that. It's about life, really. I can't explain the book well enough, but I promise you it's worth reading.

F*ck inspiration

I stole the title of my post from Poetmom, with whom I had a late lunch today and who is an inspiration unto herself. I agree 100% with her Sunday Scribbling post today on the topic of inspiration.

I think that if we sit around waiting to be anointed with inspiration, we'll get very little work done. Plus, what do you do while waiting to be inspired? I'm most likely to start doing something useful, but not inspirational--like cleaning or calling one of the friends with whom I don't keep in touch well enough.

Writing--even when I don't have an ounce of inspiration in me--inspires me. It's like exercise that way. I may not realize that my arms are getting stronger while I'm lifting weights, I may in fact hate the act of lifting weights. But the next time I go to try those muscles, the lifting will be a little easier.

Good vibes, please

My conference has been really great. Today, I got two potential big freelance projects. Do I have time for these projects? Not really. But here's the rub--in the next few years I want to transition into doing freelance full time, so I need to build up my clients now--while I still have a full time job and am in school. So, the overachiever/worrier in me finds it impossible to turn stuff down. I'll have to make time somewhere if these pan out...

Tomorrow I will be giving a 90 second "shameless pitch" on the heart transplant memoir I am ghost writing. There will be an agent and a few editors who rate the pitch and can decide to work with you based on it. There are also 100s of other attendees watching you. Kind of like a dweebier version of American Idol. I am crazy nervous, especially since a few co-workers will be in the audience. It's one thing to flop in front of strangers... another to flop in front of people I'll have to see on Monday morning! So, please send me good vibes!

Life purpose

On my yoga retreat I took a seminar called What is Your Life's Purpose? It was very yoga-ish and touchy feely, but helpful none the less. Before starting on the exercises, we defined "life's purpose" as anything that, when you do it, you feel completely satisfied on a grand scale. Eating ice cream is satisfying, but on a grand scale? Probably not so much. Your purpose might be something you enjoy so much that you lose track of time when you're doing it and/or it makes you feel really proud when you are done with it.

The most useful part was when we had to write for a few minutes to answer the question posed in the course title: What is Your Life's Purpose? Try it. You may be surprised.

I wrote a lot about teaching writing, about showing people how amazing your life can be if you find a way to express all those deep down thoughts. I wrote nothing about getting published in women's magazines, which may be why every time I try to set that as a goal for myself, I don't go after it with as much gusto as I'd expect.

Let me know what you find out!

Random, random

I'm not even sure what to post... Some updates: I'm still sick. Today's
form of the cold is laryngitis. Fun! But luckily I was well enough to
enjoy my weekend away and bond with my friend, Kathy, who lives in NY
and who I don't get to see enough.

Yea for yoga. Now, here, I
am making a promise that I want all you readers to hold me accountable
to: I will meditate every day. Be it morning or night, I will do it. I
have triedabout a thousand times to do this, but I'm hoping it sticks
this time. I feel like it might because I've been fairly disciplined
about morning pages. (Well, disciplined is relative... for me, that
means that even if I skip a day or two I eventually remember to get
back to it.) I bought a chanting CD, which I guess won't come in handy
until my voice is back...

Some things to do:
Tonight, clean the condo! Straighten up, vacuum, and clean bathroom. Then read for IS.

Tomorrow: Host neighborhood meeting (hence the cleaning) and then read more.

Wednesday: Haircut! And eyebrow wax! Some shopping afterwards. Maybe I'll go to a cafe and have myself an artist's date.

Thursday,
Fri, Sat.: I'm lucky enough to be able to go to this
conference on writing medical memoirs for free through my
work! It ties inuber-nicely with my IS project of writing a doctor's memoir about heart transplant.

Sun: I want to do a bunch of craft projects (sew Chloe a bed, hem some pants, work on framing some photos. And then it's an outing with two of my favorite writers (poetmom and BostonErin) to write and eat chocolate!

OK, I feel roughly organized (if mute--which is an awfully odd feeling. I can't even get myself some coffee!)

Sick sock

I don't know how this started, but Brian and I call each other "sick socks" when we're not feeling well. Today, I am a very sick sock. I was fine last night, and then I woke up with a head full of cotton and I get out of breath if I walk up a flight of stairs. I've slept pretty much all day. I just hope this goes away before tomorrow night, when I leave for my yoga retreat. I'll be sure to drink lots of juice and "chicken" soup (ie vegetarian chicken soup). This has also but a crimp in my revising schedule, but I am pretty happy with the story, so even if I don't get to revise it anymore, I think it will be fine. Back to bed.

Essay suggestions?

Exciting and random news. I teach a freelance writing course at an Adult Ed center in Boston. Brian and I had been tag-team teaching it, but then Brian got too busy and had to stop. Yesterday the director asked Brian to teach an essay writing class, which is random since B doesn't write essays. B told the guy to contact me, which he did, and now I'll be teaching that class! I'm very excited. And I need your help. I want to use published essays in class. Any suggestions? I'm looking for stuff that's very good, but not too long or difficult. I'm thinking along the lines of David Sedaris, Sarah Vowell, Pam Houston.

Newsworthy inspiration

I'm nowhere near done with the story I need to hand in on Friday. But while I was battling insomnia last night, I decided on the situation that will be the basis of my next story: A beekeeper will be travelling cross country with her bees when she gets stuck in a blizzard. She will take shelter in the only house nearby, and then... I don't know. I'm guessing something will happen and someone will learn something. :) I think the young woman's dad will have recently died, and she's taking over the job they used to do together. The house she visits will have a teenage daughter who finds her job fascinating and kind of repulsive.

The inspiration for the story? A great NY Times article on the dying art of beekeeping and how (cheaper) honey imported from other countries means that beekeepers have to schlep their bees around the country to sell their pollinating skills.

Random PSA

I recently updated the list of favorite writing blogs on the left. Check them out!

Final countdown

With only 6 days* to go until I need to submit my next MFA work, I need a backwards schedule. Here goes:

This weekend:
Finish preliminary revision of my story, finish first drafts of both annotations (which will involve rereading one story)

Monday:
Do a revision focusing only on making sure each sentence, scene, word is necessary. Also start thinking about the heart of the story and whether it is best expressed (Thanks TI)

Tuesday:
Another focused revision, this time going into each scene and making sure it is strong enough. This will mostly mean doing what I said in my last post about getting fully into the scene and making sure it is described well. Also what BostonErin said about making sure the reader can "see" each scene well.

Wednesday
Go over the mechanics that Carolee suggested in my last post's comments.

Thursday
Read story aloud.

*I'm going away on a yoga retreat next weekend and so I need, need, need to be done with everything on Friday so I can fully relax all weekend.

Revision

This weekend will be all about revision. I've got a draft, and I know some of what's wrong with it. I will fix that stuff (making the character more consistent, researching how I can better incorporate the themes into the story's details).

After that, I think I'll do something new with my revision--I'll take the story scene by scene, spending time truly transporting myself into each scene so I can write really close to the characters and be true to what is going on.

Anyone have other tips, tricks, or suggestions for revising?

Wee goals

OK, I've been trying really hard with this no goal thing. But I feel like I need to write down these goals to make myself accountable for them. I won't make a pyscho list like I've done before. Just a few, wee, small, tiny goals.

1- Get my two stories printed and mailed to the Harvard peeps who are reviewing my thesis proposal
2- Send in an NPR essay query
3- Send out a woman's mag query that i've had done for forever but haven't gotten around to sending.

That's all! (Not including the regular MFA goals, but I won't write those here in fear of totally going against my no goals thing)

This American Life

I had the pleasure of going to see a taping of This American Life last night (which is the very best NPR show, if you're not in the know). I love Ira Glass. In a totally intellectual way only (I don't actually know him and all...and he's probably closer to my parents' age than mine.) I wonder, do men get intellectual crushes the way women do? (At least the women I've talked to.) By intellectual crush, I mean, you're crushing on someone just on the basis of his smarts. You know little else about him, and probably don't even know what he looks like.

OK, enough of that tangent. What I wanted to say when I started this post was how amazing the writing of TAL is. They really bring the characters (people they interview) to life. I need to study it more to be able to tell you how it's done. I'll do that soon. In the meantime, check out the web site for the new TV show of TAL! I saw clips of it last night and it's amazing. Really artsy and very in line with the integrity of the radio show.

Short short story

Here's a very first draft of a short story based on the prompt of a woman dumping out her purse. Comments/suggestions welcome!

It had been one of those mornings. Sarah woke up late, thanks to a middle-of-the-night power outage that messed with her alarm. Then she and Ben got into a snippy fight over who was hogging the bathroom, and he stomped off to work without saying goodbye. Now, standing at the bus stop, she is frantically searching for her pass. Her coat pockets are empty. The pocket in the lining of her purse: empty. The bus pulls up with a loud creak and sends a spray of dirty snow Sarah's way.

"I just need a sec to find my pass," she says to the driver. She smiles at him, but he just stares at her.

"What, you think you're special or something? No pass, no ride."

Sarah thinks all sorts of nasty thoughts about the guy, whose shirt is busting at the buttons and whose hair doesn't look combed.

"Listen, buddy," she says. "I have a pass. I just need to find it. Give me a sec."

"Oh sure. Go right ahead. Look away. Me and all these passengers will just wait til you find it. Then we'll all be on our merry way."

Sarah knows she should just get off the bus, that she should wait for the next one, assuming that that driver wouldn't be such an ass. But now she's pissed. And, as Ben knows, she never backs down when she's pissed.

"Fine," she says, barely opening her mouth to throw the word at him.

She puts her purse--a big leather thing with way too much stuff in it--on the floor next to the driver, and sqauts down next to it. She takes out the bigger items and puts them on the wet, dirty floor. A book. Her planner. Her wallet and a pack of tissues. No pass. Then she takes out the many papers lining the bottom of the bag--receipts, business cards, stamps. Still no pass.

Her heart is beating loudly in her ear, but she can hear the sounds of the passengers getting restless. A few are asking, “What’s going on? Why are we just stopped here?” She looks up and gives a smile in their general direction.

The busdriver is staring at her. "It's in here somewhere," she says in a fake cheery voice. "Just give me one second!" And with that, she dumps her purse over. Out pours a roll of lifesavers, two lipsticks, a handful of change, some sample-sized lotions, her cell phone. No pass.

The driver is laughing now. A deep belly laugh that sounds to Sarah like a laugh the devil would have. "Still so sure it's in there lady? Like I said, no pass, no ride."

“Oh yeah?” she says. “I’ll just pay cash. What’s a ride cost? A dollar fifty? Here!” She is kneeling on the ground now, water soaking through her beige pants. She opens her wallet and takes out six quarters—-the quarters she had planned to use to buy Twizzlers out of the vending machine. Those bright red sugar swizzles are the one snack that can always get her out of her foul mood. Raising herself up into a high kneel, she blindly shoves the quarters in the bus’s slot.

“Now look what you’ve done! You’ve jammed the machine? What are you some kind of idiot?” Sarah tries to take a deep breath. She tries not to let her anger get the best of her. But who the hell was he, this mean, mean bus driver, to be calling her an idiot? Try as she might, she can't help herself.

She pulls herself up to standing, stepping on her book and a few other items from her purse. “Here, just take your stupid quarters and start driving.” She plucks up the quarters that are stuck in the machine’s coin reservoir, and, with a quick overhand flick of her wrist, throws them at the driver. They bounce off his meaty chest. One makes a "tink" noise as it hits the metal of his seatbelt.

“Alright lady. Just get your stuff, and sit down.”
“Thank you,” she says as if nothing out of the normal had happened. She squats to pile her stuff back into her purse. She gets most of it in before the driver pulls away from the curb, but a few things roll out of her grasp. “No big deal,” she says to herself, trying to get her blood pressure down.

She pulls out her shoe-print-covered book and opens to the bookmark. There, holding her place, is her bus pass.

A new week, a new outlook

Thanks for all of you who helped me (on here and off) to get myself into a better mood. The Buddhist instuction to meditate on the fact that nothing is permanent is a helpful one, as is reaching out to friends.

I'm relatively happy with my first draft of my new story, which is also helping my mood. I know I've got a long way to go before I'm ready to submit it, though. I'll start on one of my annotations tonight.

A question for my fellow MFAers: are any of you doing reading for your IS (or have done it in the past)? I'm finding it very hard to balance reading for that project and my regular MFA reading. Wondering if anyone has any solutions on that front.

I'll also post later a draft of my short short story on riding the bus and dumping out your purse, which I mentioned in an earlier post.

Untitled

I don't think I like this 3 hour process. Yesterday I did more like 2 hours, and it felt like torture. I don't know why, since I often write for that long anyway. Something about feeling forced into it. I might try it again starting at the beginning with my next story and see how that feels. I think I'm about done with the first draft of this one. It's bad, bad, bad, but it's down. I need to do some reading of other short stories to help me figure out ways out of the crap.

I have an idea for one of my annotations, which I'll get to today or early next week. I really need to figure out what the f I'm doing with those annotations since I haven't been as successful with them as I'd like (both in terms of mentor comments and my own learning). MFAers, I'll probably be bugging you about this via email in the near future... But I'm back invested in my reading, which is a good feeling. I hate when I can't get into stories/novels. It feels so strange.

OK, enough of my random Sunday musings.

Almost made it

OK, I took some breaks, but I did manage to write for the better part of 3 hours. I'm at a point where I really need to edit what I have--move stuff around, decide what I'm going to develop--before I can go on. I guess I'll do that before my eye doctor apointment tomorrow morning, and then I'll spend the afternoon getting in another 3 hours.

In the meantime, to appease myself for not making it the full three hours, I thought I'd do an exercise here. Writer's magazine has a prompt in each issue, and you can enter your writing about the prompt in the magazine's montly contest. This month's prompt went something like this: write about a situation where a woman would have to dump out the contents of her purse. The woman is not being threatened in any way.

I had two thoughts: in one, the woman has to dump her purse becuase something sets off the security buzzer at an airport. In the other, the woman has boarded a bus and is searching through her bag for her bus pass. The driver is not very kind, and won't drive away from the curb until she finds it. So, in her frustration and nervousness at holding up the bus, she dumps everything out of her purse. I'm not sure what happens, but I know the end image is of her lipstick rolling around the floor of the bus.

I think I'll pursue the latter, off line for now. I'm tired, and I have to take Chloe out for her evening pee.

Good night!

A new process

I got comments back from my faculty mentor. I'm not ready to comment on most of them yet (they need to steep for a bit, I think). But one thing she suggested is that I try a new process for writing my next story. For one week, I am to write intensely for 3 hours in a row. I am only to work on the story, and only move forward in the plot--no editing. (Though she did say that after my 3 hours were up I could go back and edit. As if I'll have time/energy left at that point).

This process is scaring the bejeezus out of me. What the hell am I going to say for 3 hours in a row? What if I freeze up at the half way mark? Then what? I'm also concerned how I'm going to find three hours during the week, but I guess we'll cross that bridge on Monday.

Like a good doobie, I'm going to give it a try, starting tonight. I'm going to a yoga class from 5-6:30, and then I'll go home and eat, and write from 8-11 or so. I'll report back in on this later. Wish me luck...

Patti Smith

The Patti Smith ICA event was a little out there. I didn't know much about Ms. Smith beforehand, but she, in fact, is a little out there. In any case, boy can she sing. Hearing her sing in person definitely made it worth going. The best part, though, came during the Q&A.

There's always one person in every group who just can't figure out the social niceties of a particular situation. This person asked a question about artists' roles in saving the world. Patti answered the question very competently (bottom line: people everywhere need to work to save the world. That's a human responsibility, not just one of artists.) The person then asked a follow up question, or rather, made a follow up statement, going on and on about Bush, the other evils of the world, etc. After about 15 seconds of this blathering, Patti grabbed her guitar and started strumming into the microphone. All of us clapped, as the questioner had no choice but to shut up. I am now wishing that, at all times, I could carry a guitar and a microphone and strum away to drown out whatever is annoying me.

More random thoughts

1- I managed to wake up early today (6:30) and get in some fiction
writing and my morning pages. Hopefully this pattern will last...

2- I tried to take TI's advice and make an "unschedule" but old habits die hard--I started by plugging in the things I had to do, the very un-point of the un-schedule. I'll try again today. I find part of me rebelling against the idea of having a schedule committed
to paper. What happens if I just don't feel like doing what I've
scheduled when I've scheduled it? Is it a failure of some sorts not to
go through with it?

3- MFAers, do you find it hard to get into the reading you've been assigned? I don't know if it's the reading I'm choosing/being
given or if it's just because I know I have to read it, but I haven't
been totally engrossed in any of the reading I've done so far.

4- I'm in a bad, bad mood for no apparent reason.

5-
In fact, I should be in a good mood because my Harvard thesis proposal
was finally accepted. Which means that I now need to get two short
stories approved and then I'll need to expand the proposal. Maybe
that's why I'm in a bad mood?

6- B and I are going to the new ICA
museum tonight to hear Patti Smith talk. I know I should be excited
about this, but see #4. I'm sure it will be fun in any case.

Sigh...

Random thoughts

B and I are back from North Carolina, which was a great trip despite a
lot of trouble getting there (read: we were stuck on the tarmac for
three hours while the plane gotde -iced, then we missed our connection
and were told that the chance of getting out of D.C. were small, since
everyone and their mother was stuck there. So we drove whatshould've
been 4 hours but ended up being 6 hours to N.C.) We really liked the
Chapel Hill area and will think about moving there once school is done
for both of us. I will be so, so, so, so thrilled to never again spend
weeks looking at the sludgey mix of ice and salt and sand.

On a completely different note (which is why this is titled "random
thoughts"), I need to reinvigorate my excitement with my
writing/reading for my MFA. I haven't gotten comments back from my
mentor yet (insert the drumming of finger nails here). Not sure if that
has anything to do with the fact that I'm finding it hard to focus, but
I thought I'd mention it.

I have been fairly religious about my morning pages. But now I think I might need to amp it up a bit and do those and some writing on my story every morning. That means I'll have to get up earlier, which you all know I don't like to do. Butsomething's gotta give. I'm just not feeling as excited about/into my work as I did last
semester. Maybe it's just that the mid-winter blahs are extending into my work. Which brings us back to the desire to move. Maybe this post isn't quite as random as I thought...

Sunshine ahead!

Brian and I are headed to North Carolina for the long weekend, both because I generally need some sunlight this time of year and we ain't getting much up here and because we have this crazy idea in our heads that we might like the Raleigh/Durham area enough to move there some day. Some day when the weather and the cost of living up here finally gets to us. Some day when I'm really ready to give me dream of not having to work for a company full time a go (which would be easier if we weren't mortgaged up to our you-know-whats).

Good bye for now, and next time I post, I might just be doing so with a slight tan!

A very nice rejection

I submitted an essay to Jane Magazine recently, and I just got a very nice rejection from the editor.

"Thank you for sending it along. It is well written, but unfortunately we're not going to be able to use it. We actually already have two essays in the bank that deal with similar subject matter. But please feel free to send further submissions."

Sigh... But I will surely send her another essay soon. As soon as I get one written that fits that magazine.

Anyone have other suggestions for where to send an essay on friendships breaking up?

Lamenting= food of souls?

If this is true, then my soul runneth over.

(A quote from my trusty word of the day email defining satiety)

Isidore of Seville, in interpreting the Psalms in the seventh century, seconded the idea that tears produce satiety. "Lamenting," he wrote, "is the food of souls."
-- Tom Lutz, Crying: The Natural and Cultural History of Tears

Writing Recap

I feel like I have a lot to say, writing wise, and yet I don't really know where to begin. Some positives from this weekend/last week:

1- I did morning pages almost every day.
2- I got down the beginning of my new short story, and I am relatively happy with it.
3- I started revising a very old short story for my other degree. It was neat to go back to something I wrote a few years ago and see both how much I've learned since, and how descent the story was (if a bit naive. Ah, to be 20 again!)
4- I made a ton of progress on revising the memoir chapter I'm working on for my IS project at Lesley. (For those of you who don't know, I'm working with a doctor to write his memoir about having a heart transplant.) I think there's something about doing the project for school that is allowing me to feel OK about pushing him to answer some of the tough emotional questions that he's been avoiding.
5- I wrote, in my head, an essay I'd like to send out eventually. This is how my process often works. I "write" while I'm walking my dog or trying to fall asleep. When I go to the page, I certainly don't remember everything I've thought of, but my brain is primed and ready to go on the topic.

There's also lots of stuff I didn't get done that I wanted to, particularly concerning some house projects. But I won't list those here because that seems very much against the spirit of my "no goals" work (see below).

First submission: done!

I just sent out my first submission of the semester, and I'm only feeling comci-comca
about it. Something about the story isn't connecting with me the way it
should. I think I need to get to know my character better, and I
definitely need to know more about her relationship with her husband.
But I got to the point where the story felt too muddled for me to do anything
with, so I'm glad it's out of my hands, even if I'm not exactly
thrilled with it.

My new mentor is very cerebral, and she definitely comes at writing with her brain first (as opposed to her heart). From talking with her about process quite a bit during residency, I think that idea infiltrated my process. But I don't think
it worked for me. So for this next submission I'm going to spend a week
or so free writing furiously about the story, and then work that into a
coherent draft of some sort in the next weeks.

I *think* my annotations were clearer this time around. We'll see though. I have a tough time with those for some reason.

OK, deep breath. And now it's time to work on my IS submission and the stories I'm handing in for my thesis (for that other degree I'm stupidly working on concurrently. Sigh...)

Word of the day

I get a word of the day email, and today's word just about sums up my life's problems:

idee fixe \ee-day-FEEKS\, noun:

An idea that dominates the mind; a fixed idea; an obsession.

The reality of obsession -- its incessant return to the same few themes, scenarios and questions; its meticulous examination and re-examination of banal minutiae for hidden meanings that simply aren't there; the cancerous way an idee fixe usurps other, more interesting thoughts -- is that it is confining, not rebellious, and not fascinating but maddeningly dull.
-- Laura Miller, "The Streetwalkers of San Francisco", New York Times, August 20, 2000


:)

Latest crisis: solved

Thanks everyone for your comments yesterday. They helped a ton. I've decided to follow the advice of letting go of publishing as a goal for now. I'm just going to immerse myself in writing and reading. Yes, I'll still send stuff out, but I will not worry so much about feeling like I need to publish to be a writer. I also need to WAY stay in the present moment here and not worry so much about what will happen if I don't publish now or in the future, etc. etc.

There's this article in Yoga Journal this month about letting go of things you're stuck on and asking the Universe (God, whatever you want to call it) for help. I find it hard to buy into those kinds of things (the idea of the Universe caring about my problems seems a little, well, odd), but maybe I'll give it a try.

No goals, another update

This no-goal is hard. Very hard! I have fairly well mastered it in terms of knitting. I'm not even too bummed at the prospect of taking out the first few rows of the birch shawl that I've knit because, well, I can't remember exactly how many I already knit. (I will be better about writing this down next time!)

But no goals in writing is harder. I really want things to get published. I can't help it. It would make me feel so much more legitimate, in my own eyes and when I speak to people about what I do. That said, it's also really hard to have publishing goals at this point in my writing. My fiction writing is no where near ready to be sent out. Some of my essays are, but as we all know, sending these out is a very frustrating process. (As for that editor I mentioned who seemed interested in my work, now--Poof!--she's disappeared and won't email me back.)

So not having a goal would be a great thing, since it seems like getting published is a bit out of my control anyway. Yes, I can work hard to improve my writing, and I can send out stuff relentlessly, but there's no guarantee that it'll work!

Do you have any suggestions as to how to not put pressure on yourself but still try to get published?

Sunday Scribbilings: Goodbye

I haven't participated in a Sunday Scribbling in a while now, but here goes...

My French class this weekend was wonderful--challenging, but not at all scary. A difficult combo to create as a teacher, I'm sure. We learned many different ways to say common phrases, including "goodbye" and "to come".

"To come" has a remarkable number of French translations. There is one word for return as in to come back to, another for return as in to go back to where one started, another meaning to go back inside... and on and on. It made me realize how much of speaking and understanding any language is in the context in which the words are used. English might have fewer words for "return," but I doubt any native English speaker would have to think twice about what I meant if I said, "My dog returned to me with the ball in her mouth."

The variations on goodbye taught me a different lesson, one that I also learned in my first MFA residency: how the tone of the words you choose to give your characters helps define them. For example, someone who says "Later" is probably a differnet kind of person and/or has a different relationship with the listener than someone who says "Until next time".

Aurevoir essay!

I just sent a query on a new essay out to Jane Magazine. Thanks to January and Don for reading and giving me some great feedback. Fingers crossed! Oh, and I'll follow up with that other MIA editor on Monday.

This weekend, I'll be taking an intensive 2-day French class to prep for a trip to France I'm taking with my mom this spring (that right there will be fodder for about a million essays, I'm sure...). So I won't be blogging much.

A bien tot!

Alice Munro

A million thanks to Alana, for posting a link to a wonderful story about Alice Munro and the importance of the short story in general on her blog. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Chugging

I'm chugging away on my newest story. It's gone from
a very shitty first draft without an ending to a slightly less shitty
second draft without an ending.

Now, as for my annotations...
I'm well behind on those. Done the reading, have some semblance of
ideas, but am having a hard time articulating them. Just like last
semester!

(On a funny note, I typed chugging into Google
images assuming it'd bring up pictures of trains. Instead, I got lots
of frat boys chugging beer. God I'm old.)

Dear Cary

I like Salon.com a lot. I particularly like the advice columnist, who
handles questions of a deeper nature than your typical Dear Abby.
Today's happens to focus on MFA programs and writing, so I thought I'd
link to it.

My favorite lines:

...writing is not about face. It is about soul. It is a tool for becoming who you are.

...take care of your writing as you would take care of an animal or a child. Do not send it out into the world to do an adult's job. Just take care of it and, in its own way, it will take care of you.


The letter also reminded me how lucky I am to be in an MFA program I love, one where there is little to no competitiveness amongst students and one where we support each other. Go Lesley.

To take my mind off this little waiting game I'm unfortunately playing...

Anyone up for reading a short essay? It's one I hope to send to Jane Magazine, per BostonErin's suggestion. I'd love some feedback. No worries if you're too busy. Remember, be like me, have no goals!

Still nothing

Just in case anyone is wondering... still haven't heard anything from that editor. I was thinking I'd give her til Friday and then send her a friendly "what's up" email. Does that sound like a good plan?

Sigh...

Waiting and nailbiting

So I sent a query into a yet-to-be-named-here magazine a while back. Heard nothing. Then, this weekend, I got an email asking a question about how the essay ends. (This mag specifically asks for queries only, not the full thing.) I emailed her this morning, and she emailed me back immediately asking me to clarify further. Then... nothing. I'm not sure if that means she didn't like how I answered the second question or if I'm just being impatient. Please send good vibes my (and her) way!

No goals, an update

The first part of my no goal week went really well. It was remarkably refreshing to be able to do what I wanted, and not what I thought I should do. Then I had a meltdown over the weekend. (see last post.)

I'm wondering if maybe something about the weekend triggered it, having less structure or something. So I'm going to try to bring some structure to my weekends. I'll do my morning pages at least one day (both if I already took a day off in the week). I'll walk in the woods with Chloe at least once. I'll do yoga and/or meditate on at least one of the days. But these are not goals, just suggestions. :)

I'm going to get organized as to how I'm doing with my MFA reading, but I think I'm keeping up. If so, then this no goal thing may just work... It's not like I'm allowing myself not to do anything (god forbid!). It's more that I'm not bumming on myself if I don't get everything done that I wanted because, after all, I didn't have a concrete goal that I failed to meet.

Last night was a good example of how no goals helped: I was knitting the beginning of a really cool purse. I wanted very badly to finish the base. But I was also getting frustrated with it, and knew that putting it down and doing something else would help. So I did. I didn't worry about my internal goal. I just let the knitting go, and read a really great story and felt much more satisfied.

TGI Monday?

Another Sunday feeling out of sorts. Not sure what the problem is this time, but figured I'd post and see if that helps. FC and I had a nice writing date yesterday at Panera (great soup, difficult place to find!). I got out a very shitty first draft of my story.

Maybe that started my angst. First drafts are always so hard. I know in my head that I need to just get it out, but it's so hard not to be uber critical of myself at that stage, questioning what the hell the point of the story is, what the hell I'm trying to do writing in the first place.

Add that to the fact that my pain in the arse neighbors had a loud party last night while I was trying to spend a quiet evening at home, and you have one out-of-sorts Bug. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I can't believe I'm looking forward to Monday.

Publishing in literary journals

I was going to post a list of some of the fabulous things I learned at a publishing panel I went to at Lesley, but a fellow MFA-er beat me to it, so I figure I'll just send people to her wonderful post.

Contest

So it seems that the new relaxed me is blogging less. Don't make me feel guilty about it though! Here's a link for a contest for novelists that I thought some of you might want to see: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976881959 Good luck!

~Relaxed bug

No more goals

I spent yesterday evening in bed, watching a bad movie, knitting, and having yet another existential crisis. Through this one, at least, I figured out a way to possible prevent another: NO MORE GOALS.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to balance the act of having a future goal with the act of enjoying the present moment. How can I enjoy the act of knitting when all I am focusing on is getting the shawl done, and therefore I stay up way too late working on it? And how can I enjoy writing and learning if all I'm focused on is getting to all the Writing Fantasies listed in an earlier post? And in that case, not only are the stakes much higher, but there is an endless amount of work I could be doing to get there. So when I don't do any one of those endless somethings, I feel bad.

So, here's what I'm going to do. My only goal for this month is to be in the moment. That will probably include lots of meditating. But that's the only goal I'm allowed. It doesn't matter how often I get to the gym. How much I knit. How messy my house is. Whether my bathroom gets painted. Even how much I write. Of course I'll make sure I get my MFA submissions done, but nothing else matters. I don't need to send out any queries or write any essays.

This idea seems a bit insurmountable. My heart is racing just thinking about it. What if I waste all my time? What if I get nothing done? I need to be OK with not getting anything done. Nothing. Nada. Scary!

Nostalgia

I'm feeling so nostalgic for my MFA week! It struck this morning when I saw a coffee stain on my jacket, which must've been from trying to carry coffee during the residency, since I don't drink it on the go in my regular life.

Boo hoo. Back to my regularly scheduled life.

Hello, new character

I got some writing done yesterday, and I now have some semblance of an outline. What's missing, though, is a real, in-depth knowledge of my character. So, I'm going to try to have a "conversation" with her here.

Bug: Hello, J.
J: Hi.
Bug: So, tell me a bit about your childhood.
J: I grew up in a typical suburb. Typical family really. I have one sister. We had a dog growing up. My parents are still married.
Bug: Are you close to your sister?
J: Not really. She's a little too...um... perky for my taste.
Bug: Perky?
J: Yeah, she's always happy. Always doing new things, joining new clubs. I'm more of a home body. Well, maybe not home body exactly, but I prefer to have a few good friends rather than a ton of OK ones. And I like people who are OK with being depressed sometimes. Sis isn't like that. I imagine if I told her I was depressed she'd tell me to take up knitting or whatever her latest fad was.
Bug: What about your parents, what are they like?
J: My mom stayed home with us kids, my dad worked as a lawyer for various companies. They're fine people. Again, maybe not the kind I'd chose to hang out with, but what can you do. They talk a lot about nothing.
Bug: So what about your husband, what's he like?
J: Dan is really smart. He's a philosophy professor at a SUNY school in upstate NY. That's why we moved to the middle of nowhere five years ago, so he could teach there. He's not tenured yet, so he works a lot, trying to do well by his students and also publish a ton of papers and get a book idea going. I'm a bit jealous of his career right now. I'm in pharmaceutical sales, which I like enough. I know everyone hates pharma companies, but there are some real positives to us, too. Like the fact that we create new drugs in the first place. But the people I work with, they're really more interested in money than much else. It makes for boring conversations.
Bug: Have you made many friends Upstate?
J: I do have a few women I hang out with. I'm in a book club, and there's a woman I met through gardening, M. She's probably my best friend right now. Though I don't feel as close to her as I wish I did. She's a bit like my sister now that I think about it. She's smarter than Sis, but she's got a perky edge to her, like she doesn't seem to get me when I talk about any sort of "dark" subject, like how someone could cheat on their spouse or how hard it is to get out of bed some days.
Bug: What makes it hard to get out of bed?
J: Hm. That's a tough question. It's nothing concrete, exactly. Just this underlying feeling I always have, but that bubbles to the surface sometimes, that life is pretty meaningless. I mean, why do I bother to get up and get doctors' offices to prescribe one type of drug over another. Or plant bulbs. Or clean my kitchen. These tasks are never ending, and without some sort of bigger goal, or bigger picture, they seem kind of pointless. I don't think I'm making much sense. I think that's because I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this in a while. Dan is really busy and I hate to bother him. And like I said, M wouldn't really get it.
Bug: And what do you look like?
J: I have shoulder length hair. It's brown, though now that I'm in my mid-thirties I have to die pieces of gray, which is depressing. I never thought I'd be one of those women who complained about her body growing older, but it's really weird how quickly it seems to happen. I look at pictures of myself when I was in college, or even when Dan and I got married, and I'm amazed to see how different I am... But back to your question. I'm average height--5,5, fairly average weight. I'm a little broad in the shoulders and hips, no one would call me petite. I think I'm pretty. I've got a small gap in between my middle teeth. It's one of those things that's barely noticeable, but once people do see it, they think it's cute.

Story idea

I had this dream last night where there was some sort of party at my parents' house, and my brother, who is married in real life and was in my dream, was flirting heavily with a stranger. I had to keep reminding him he was married, which he did not appreciate.

In bed this morning, I thought about what an interesting story it'd make if a married man somehow starts hitting on another woman in front of his sister, and the struggle the sister would have in figuring out what to do and how to do it and what her place in the situation is. Especially if the siblings were as different as my brother and I are.

I think I'll tackle that idea for my second story submission.

New semester, new list

OK, friends, here is my OCD side coming out in full force once again. These are my to do's for the weekend. I tried to keep this weekend free of social obligations, but I'm not doing a very good job. I like my friends/my city too much, I think. Anyway...

Tonight:
* Read Ms. Welty for 45 minutes before I go out to dinner and to see the play the Cherry Orchard.

Tomorrow:
*Yoga in the morning with a friend.
*Then go to Java Jos coffee shop and read and write for as long as they'll have me.
*Go to M's house to help her deal with being left alone with a baby for 10 days while her husband is on a business trip.

Sunday:
*More reading and writing, including:
**Finalize draft of thesis proposal (ugh; not for my MFA) and mail it (yea!)
**Create IS study plan
**Look through interviewing books I have, and order others as needed
*Vegetarian cooking club is coming over. This is really B's thing, so I hope he doesn't need me to clean/help prep...

Sunday Scribblings: Fantasy

I've been an absentee Sunday Scribbler for a while, so I'm hoping to make up for that by posting EARLY. And by wishing Laini a HUGE amount of good luck and congratulations on her book and panel placement this weekend!

This week's prompt is fantasy. I'm going to use it to fantasize about my dream life as a writer, which was prompted by the pangs of jealousy I felt when reading about my friend Erin's wonderful writerly accomplishments. (Is it OK to admit that you're jealous of a friend? It's not that I wish her any ill will AT ALL or don't think she deserves her fabulous life. It's just that I want one of my own, too.)

Fantasy
In my fantasy writing life, I get to:
*publish short stories and essays frequently, and eventually get a book contract.
*teach creative writing in some way
*play a role in some sort of literary journal, even if it's just a college one.
*only take on a minimal amount of non-creative writing work to make extra money.
*get paid to teach at workshops in fabulous places, like Europe.

I think that's it. Is that too much to ask?? :) I don't even need to be famous. Just self-sustaining.

For more writing on the topic of Fantasy, click on the Sunday Scribbling link in the beginning of this post.

Eudora

I've felt fairly unengaged with this blog this past week. Maybe it's just me getting into the swing of things. Or maybe it's because work has been crazy and there's only so many things my little brain can carry at one time. In any case, I'm hoping this post will get me a little bit more engaged (and you too, readers!).

For my first MFA submission, I'm reading Eudora Welty's autobiography and a bunch of her stories. I've read some of the more famous ones, like Why I Live at the PO, before. But not much else. I'm not finding her stories all that engaging--I think because there is a lot of distance between the narrator and the story, so I don't feel as connected to the characters as I'd like (here's the seminar I took on narrative distance coming in handy!). But at the same time, I find the stories really sticking with me for a reason I can't yet articulate.

Have you read Eudora before? What do you think? I'd love to hear feedback from other readers!

Another exercise: An alter ego

This one is also courtesy of Room to Write. And it's also being posted because I didn't get around to writing it out long hand this morning. Though I did fit in pilates, morning pages, and a Chloe walk in the fah-reezing cold.

The short version of the exercise instructions: develop a character sketch of an alter ego. (And don't make her fabulous in the ways you are not, which will just make you sad.)


My alter ego
My alter's name is Rhonda. When her car gets stuck on the side of the road, she does not call AAA or her boyfriend because she knows how to fit her own damn carburator. She also knows what to do in emergencies, like the main characters on my current television obsession, Lost. She acts fast and doesn't second guess herself.

My alter ego is also a bit hefty. If she were to wear a Superwoman costume (which is what I picture her in) a roll of flab would overhang the top of her bikini, and her thighs would be thick like old, oak tree trunks. She doesn't worry about this though, she's too busy saving puppies that run in front of cars and what not.

A writing exercise: seeing

So my plan to get up early enough to do a writing exercise, do my morning pages, meditate, and walk Chloe is off to a rocky start. Today I only managed to walk Chloe and do morning pages. But as "punishment" for myself, I am promising to fit those four things in at some other time of the day if I don't get to them in the morning (save for walking Chloe, which definitely has to be done in the morning!).

So, here's an exercise, courtesy of Room to Write by Bonni Goldberg. The instructions were to see an item using your imagination, intuition, and instinct, and then to comment on which type of seeing was hardest for you.

This morning I wore my old, out-of-date-prescription glasses to the dog park. So, as another dog and owner entered the park, I couldn't see them well. All I saw was a golden blob and a person layered in a ski jacket. This might have been Chloe's friend Barley, or it might have been a potentially mean dog I didn't know. Chloe was off leash, and she wasn't listening to my calls for her to come.

My intuition told me to let her go. She usually only doesn't listen to me around dogs she knows and loves. But my imagination saw all sorts of possibilities, a dog fight being the most prominent. And what exactly is a person supposed to do if her dog gets involved in a fight? It seems awfully dangerous to try to grab your dog with all those teeth bared and adrenaline flowing. So then the image of my hand getting bitten off by my own friendly dog ran through my imagination.

I can't remember what my instinct saw. Maybe it saw that getting in the middle of a (imaginary) dog fight is a bad idea, no matter how much you'd like to save one of the pooches.

But, in any case, as I heard the voice of the other dog owner, I didn't need to see clearly to know that it was, indeed, Barly and his mom.

Perception vs reality

I'm cracking up at Gili's response to my last post. Why? Because I was just about to post one of the least calm posts I have ever posted.

I had quite a melancholy evening, focusing on all the stuff I can't seem to do right, like knit the shawl TI and I are supposed to be starting, finish a crossword puzzle, or write a damn thesis paper. And of course, thoughts like that inevitably lead to: What good am I anyway? Why can't I do anything useful like, say, CPR? What's the point of all this anyway?

And that, my friend, is much too much deep thought for the night before I'm going back to work to face 100s of unread emails and some sort of big mistake made by someone (possibly me) that my boss alluded to in a vague email. Yikes. At least Bug, sensing my pending psychosis, is letting the dog sleep with us tonight.

Wow

I'm not even sure what to say about my second MFA residency. I learned so much, yet I can't think of one single point that makes sense to post about. I guess the biggest (and hardest!) lesson was that even though I've learned SO much in the last six months, I still have a long way to go to completely understanding the art of creating a short story.

Now that I understand the basics of story arch (though I don't always employ those basics well), I need to use other elements to make sure the story gets told in the best and clearest way. My new mentor, Christina Shea (who seems brilliant), talked to me about how I need use all the elements of the story, like setting, the details of the characters, and the plot to truly maximize the potential of the story's theme. For example, think about what setting a story in NYC says about the theme as compared to say, setting it in a smaller city. This is all fairly overwhelming--so much to think about!-- but at least I know enough now to realize what I don't know, which is half the battle, I think.

Resolutions

New Years resolutions
Here's another belated New Year's post, and my last post for a while as I'll be at my MFA residency starting tonight. I am SO looking forward to a week's worth of very intense motivation, mostly in the form of being with the other students, who are so inspirational!

I’m big into make resolutions all the year through, but I still like to take some time on the New Year and think about my goals for the year to come.

• I’d like to do more yoga and meditating, hopefully getting it up to a daily practice
• I’d like to reinvigorate my morning pages routine (which flagged last month)
• Be really good to my body, exercise and eating wise
• Send out a fiction piece for publication (yikes!)
• And most of all I’d like to really try to be good to the environment. I already recycle ardently, and compost, too. I barely drive. But I’d like to take things one step further. I’d like to consume less by really thinking about whether I need the stuff I’m buying, and then trying to buy from good companies like No Sweat when I can, and supporting artists by buying from www.etsy.com instead of mass marketed products. (Maybe not an environmental help, but it still makes the world a little better, I think.) I also plan to use natural products like vinegar and lemon juice as cleaners instead of chemicals, and to eat more organic dairy and produce. And overall just to keep in mind that my choices do affect the world, and hopefully that by changing my lifestyle I can influence others to do the same.

A very belated New Year's Eve post

(Here's the post I wrote on New Year's eve but couldn't post because of internet troubles.)

I generally like New Years as a concept. The idea of starting over with a fresh slate, making new goals, looking back at another year over. I’m not big into New Year’s Eve, all the pressure to do something amazingly fun. (This year I’ll be having dinner out with my family and then playing board games— maybe not amazing exactly, but fun.)

This year, I’ve accomplished a lot. (I am mostly thinking about July through December. Late June is when I started my MFA program; July is when I started this blog. The months before that weren’t that great for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into.)

I’ve posted hundreds of blog posts
Written and revised two short stories
Written three essays
Gotten one essay published—my first money made from creative writing! (Still not sure how to spend it; I’ll solicit ideas in a future post)
Published 5 other pieces in the Globe
Got a promotion at work
Gotten 6 rejections
Sent out pieces to 7 publications
Celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary (and 8 years as a couple)
Made a few new friends (through my MFA program and dog walking
Lost a few others
Knit 1 scarf (started 2 others), 2.5 hats, 2 pairs of baby booties, 2 baby hats, 2 pairs of baby mittens, 5 Ipod covers, and 3 bookmarks
Planted over 100 bulbs, which are hopefully underground doing their thing to get ready to make their bright appearance in the spring.

All in all, a very good (half a year). I’ve very proud of my creative accomplishments, and look forward to doing more in 2007.

Happy New Year all, and thanks so much for reading. Blogging has been a really great outlet for me, and I appreciate your time and cyber friendship.

Guilt and submissions

I'm feeling guilty about not posting. But it's not my fault-- really. My home internet connection is down, and I have two New Year's themed posts on that computer that I can't post! But in the meantime, I'll share my latest ideas: I'm going to submit a query for an audio postcard on NPR, and an article query to a woman's mag who, according to the Writer's Market (my bible), needs ideas for a column featuring women who volunteer. I'll share both ideas in more detail once I get the queries out!

To dos

I am lucky enough to have this week off, so, of course, I need a to do list to make sure I don't go insane. My two must-do to-dos are:

1. Revise my thesis proposal
2. Do my MFA reading

Other things I hope to get done:

1. Make headway on redoing our second bathroom. I'd really like to finish it, but I want to be realistic here since I'm doing a lot of the work myself and I've never done this type of thing before.
2. Put a second coat on the touch up paint in our bedroom; hang art there.
3. Finish and start knitting projects: Start and finish 2 hats (1 for my dad, one for a friend of the family); finish my mom's scarf; finish B's hat; master the lace knitting scarf pattern; start my fun, adorable pocketbook.
4. Read the pile of books near my bedside
5. Work on my break-up friend essay and write a draft of a"who wears the pants" essay I've been thinking about. Edit down my cleaning essay to submit to the Globe.
6. Decide what photos we want for our wedding album, scan them, and order them. Finally! Also decide which four we want framed and order them. Also order a few honeymoon pics to frame in the hallway.
7. Scan new clips and ask B to add them to my website.

Sunday Scribblings: Change

What a fascinating Sunday Scribblings prompt. I plan to write a New-Year-themed post later in the week, so today I'll just write about the concept of change.

I think change is wonderful. It can be scary, but honestly, how boring would life be if it weren't constantly changing? And to take that one step further, how boring would you be if you weren't constantly changing? Life is all about taking on new challenges, and, what's harder for me, allowing yourself to fail.

There is a great article in this month's Yoga Journal about the concept of starting over, and how when you want to make a change in your life, big or small, you have to allow yourself to start over as many times as it takes until the change sticks. This attitude really helps me (and maybe other perfectionists out there?) because when I realize I didn't stick with my plan, I can allow myself to notice it, and then start over. So after I don't go to the gym for four days, I don't wallow in the fact and get down. I just say, today I'm starting over, and then go. Ditto for my more cerebral goals, which I find the hardest to keep, such as stay in the moment, not judging myself, and allowing my feelings to be no matter how much I don't want to feel them.

Essay and other stories

A few of you asked me to post links to my essay when it was published in the Globe, so here your go: http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2006/12/24/the_dog_days_of_december/

There's even a fab pic of my favorite dog.

And here are two other stories in today's Globe. Thanks for your interest, everyone!
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2006/12/24/portrait_of_the_young_bards/
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2006/12/24/a_caroling_mob_takes_to_city_streets/

Christmas Meme

Thanks to Kim G. for passing this along!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Either is fine with me!
2. Real tree or artificial? Real, definitely.
3. Eggnog, hot chocolate or apple cider? Eggnog grosses me out, just the name--bleh! (They should rename that, like they're calling prunes dried plumes now to make them seem more palatable.) But I love hot cocoa, even though it makes me break out. Apple cider is good too, though I associate that more with late fall.
4. Favorite gift as a child? Hmm. I don't remember too many of the gifts I got early on, but I do remember an electronic cat that my Oma got me. It would move around when you clapped, and it purred when you pet it.
5. Nativity Scene? Yup, we have a few, though we're not religious.
6. Hardest person to buy for? I'd say my lil brother. He lives in AZ so I don't see him much so it's hard to know what he has and doesn't. I usually go the gift card route with him, though I hate doing that.
7. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail - but only to people who I won't see around the holidays.
8. Worst gift received? Can't think of one. I'm pretty easy to please. I guess if you pressed me I'd say one of the 5 sweaters I got from various in-laws last year. How many sweaters could one person need?
9. Favorite Christmas movie? I love the Grinch and Charlie Brown, and I crack up at A Christmas Story everytime I see it.
10. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I pretty much spread it throughout the year, though I do most of it post-Thanksgiving.
11. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Sure!
12. Favorite thing to eat? Everything!
13. Clear or colored lights? Clear, though I kinda want to spice it up next year and add some color
14. Outside lights? Just on our front windows
15. Favorite Christmas Song? This year it's that duet, Baby it's Cold Outside. So cute!
16. Travel or stay home? We usually do a little bit of both, to see B's family, which is local, and mine which is in NY. If at all possible, I like to be home Christmas morning.
17. Angel on top of tree or star? Star
18. Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Growing up it was one on Christmas eve and the rest on Christmas morning. But that switched as we got older and my older brother liked to sleep in until noon, and me and my little brother liked to get up early. Then Steven opened most of his gifts at night and now we've morphed into doing most of the gifts that night. But when we're here, it's all about Christmas morning.
19. Favorite ornament theme or color? I love an eclectic tree with ornaments from our childhood.
20. Favorite Christmas Dinner? Maybe Italian food? Though I really just like food, in general. :)
21. What do you want for Christmas this year? Nothing in particular. I'm blessed with a husband who is an amazing gift giver, so I'm always delighted.

Merry Christmas!

Like a rock

One of the many things I love about my husband is how well he takes care of me when I'm sick (even when that sickness is self-inflicted in the form of too much alcohol). The other day when I drank much too much, he picked me up from the bar and drove my very drunk friend home across town.

Then he was very patient with me as I begged him to stay at said friend's house so I could drink some more. All of this while I spouted funny but very inappropriate things, such as "EVERYONE LOVES BOOBS!" (That was one of the more proper ones.... But tell me, is it not true?)

After he finally corralled me back into the car, I made him listen to Paul Simon, whom I love and Brian hates. When the song Love Me Like a Rock came on, I said (quite a few times) "I love you like rock. Because a rock is solid, and I love you..."and over and over. Until finally I said, "Do you know what I mean? I love you like A ROCK, as in a stone. Not I-Raq, as in the country. George Bush totally fucked that up."

From the mouths of drunks....

Note to self

Next time you want to drink 6 cocktails on an empty stomach on a Wednesday night, Just. Say No. Holidays or not, being hungover at work is no fun!

Win some! (and lose some)

First, the good news: The Boston Globe's City Weekly is taking my essay about Brian and me adjusting to our puppy dog! I'm so excited!

I'm also doing a small article for them on this amazing event Brian and I went to Sunday night: the caroling mob. (I'll post a link to my article this weekend if you want to know more about it.)

Then, the bad: my cleaning essay got rejected from Skirt. I thought this magazine would be a good fit for it, so I'm bummed. I'm wondering if the essay needs tweaking, or if I just need to keep on sending it out there. If anyone who hasn't read that essay for me yet wants to, please let me know. I'd love more comments!

Yee-haw

Check me out! I've got a small blurb in this week's Sunday Globe Magazine.

(Sunday Scribbling to follow on Monday...I'm having internet problems at home!)

What I learned from a man

I sometimes read Thisfish's blog, which is mostly about dating in NY. She recently had a post about the 10 things she learned from a man, and I thought I'd steal the concept.

1. How to fight fair (bug)
2. How to save and invest (my dad)
3. How to respond to difficult people with some semblance of grace (my boss)
4. How to love Christmas (bug)
5. How to play poker (my cousins)
6. How to write a coverletter (my big brother)
7. How to rollerblade (my little brother)
8. How to develop photos (a male college prof)
9. How not to break up with someone (in a letter; thanks to a jerk I used to date)
10. How to make a fort out of your bed and not get out of it all day (bug)
    

A small update

Not sure what to write about, so maybe I'll just catalogue some goings on in this Bug's life.

• I am officially done with Christmas shopping. Christmas knitting, on the other hand, is still roaring.
• I've started running with Chloe in the morning. I don't go very far, but it's something.
  
• I found a new yoga studio that I love.
  
• I've also been meditating myself to sleep at night, which is quite nice.
• Though I'm still having crazy bad dreams about my upcoming MFA residency. Usually I am lost/forgot to do my homework. So annoying.
  
• I'm getting my hair cut by a new person tomorrow. I've had the hardest time finding a hair dresser I like. Fingers crossed...
  

Sunday Scribbilings: Punishment and reward

This week's Sunday Scribbling prompt is Punishment and Reward. Nothing comes immediately to mind about this phrase, so I think I'll just freewrite and see where it takes me.

We had a Christmas party last night, and the reward was getting to talk with people I haven't talked with in a while, including BostonErin, and DJ. It was also nice to chat with my upstairs neighbor over beer, instead of over condo docs and contractor bills, and with my sister-in-law outside of the normal family cauldron. But the punishment for inviting a lot of people was that there were some that I barely got a chance to say hi to.

The punishment for having really high hopes around parties and the holidays is that inevitably the event is disappointing. We were disappointed that a few people who said they'd be there didn't show, and that people left on the early side (a lot before midnight--are we getting too old for late, drunken, silly parties?)

The reward for having high hopes though is that you're an optimistic person in general, so after you wallow a bit in the disappointments, you can spend more time concentrating on the good: Brian made a lot of wonderful food that everyone enjoyed, I got just tipsy enough to laugh a lot but not be hungover today. We got to share our insanely decorated house with friends. We realized the joy in having a Christmas event with friends instead of only with family--the best part being that we could control the guest list and truly be surrounded by people we love.

A poem

As you all probably know, I'm not much of a poet. But I was inspired to write this after two events occurred yesterday. One, I heard a teacher give this exercise to a group of teens at an event I covered for the Globe. The exercise: write a poem telling someone how to do something. Two, a friend announced she was pregnant (and another friend recently announced she was trying to get pregnant).

Here goes.

How to congratulate a friend on her pregnancy
Shriek, "Oh my God, I'm so happy for you!" and mean it
all the while tramping down thoughts
of, I guess I should've appreciated more
the last time we got drunk and talked until 2
about things that had nothing to do with breast feeding or poo.
Say, "You guys will be the best parents!" and mean it
all the while not thinking
I feel lonely already, not initiated into the varicose vein club
Whisper, "That's so amazing," as you touch her tummy, and mean it
all the while refusing to acknowledge the voice in your head screaming,
Why don't you want to do this? Will you ever
And the other voice screaming, Why should I?
Everyone else is doing it doesn't seem a meaningful enough reason.

recurring nightmare

So, apparently I am nervous about my upcoming MFA residency. I have now had 3 dreams with the same theme--I show up for a class and I have forgotten to do the reading and/or I don't know where to go.

The wierd thing is that I don't really feel nervous about the residency. No, I haven't done my reading yet, but I've got weeks to get that done. And I'm really psyched to see all my buddies again. I guess getting workshopped is always nerve-racking, but I should be used to that by now... What could it be?

I guess it will be a break from my routine, which may be causing anxiety? Though that's not usually my M.O.... Maybe getting a new mentor? That will be a scary change since I loved my current one so much... Maybe part of me isn't happy with what I accomplished this semester? Though I wouldn't be surprised because I'm psycho like that, I should be very proud of myself. Maybe making a list of writing accomplishments will help:

• Wrote 2 short stories that are on their way to being finished. Definitely the best writing I've done ever.
• Wrote everyday, between blogging and morning pages.
• Wrote 2 essays that I consider done.
• Started submitting them places. Though they haven't found a home yet, at least I'm in the game.
  
• Reinforced my writing community, through blogging and meeting with locals like BostonErin and Poetmom.
  
• Pitched and got assigned some articles for the Globe.
  
• Started taking myself more seriously as a creative writer.
  

OK, let's see if my dreams change tonight...

Short story/novel suggestions?

I'm trying to think of a list of books I want to read next semester. I know I want to delve into these short story collections. Has anyone read anything lately (or in general) that they love? I'm looking for stuff that I can learn a lot from as a writer.

Brief encounters with Che Guevara: stories by Ben Fountain
The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel
Something I've been meaning to tell you by Alice Munro
Something by Chekhov (suggestions welcome!)

Spent

I am feeling spent. I am sick of writing, sick of knitting, sick of cleaning, sick of shopping, and sick of party planning. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me a lot I want to do. Tomorrow I will be taking a day off from work to do more of the things I am sick of in preparation for my Christmas party this weekend. I am looking forward to the party at least.

Sunday Scribblings: The last hour

This week's Sunday Scribbling topic is The Last Hour.

I was struggling with what to post because I am really not in much of a writing mood this weekend. Luckily, though, I finished a knitting project in the last hour, so I'll post a picture of that. It is an Ipod cover for my friend whose birthday is coming up. (The Ipod cover is on the left, the right is the ball of one of the yarns I used to knit it. My next project is a baby hat and slippers for two babies who are coming to my Christmas party next weekend.