I spent yesterday evening in bed, watching a bad movie, knitting, and having yet another existential crisis. Through this one, at least, I figured out a way to possible prevent another: NO MORE GOALS.
For whatever reason, I can't seem to balance the act of having a future goal with the act of enjoying the present moment. How can I enjoy the act of knitting when all I am focusing on is getting the shawl done, and therefore I stay up way too late working on it? And how can I enjoy writing and learning if all I'm focused on is getting to all the Writing Fantasies listed in an earlier post? And in that case, not only are the stakes much higher, but there is an endless amount of work I could be doing to get there. So when I don't do any one of those endless somethings, I feel bad.
So, here's what I'm going to do. My only goal for this month is to be in the moment. That will probably include lots of meditating. But that's the only goal I'm allowed. It doesn't matter how often I get to the gym. How much I knit. How messy my house is. Whether my bathroom gets painted. Even how much I write. Of course I'll make sure I get my MFA submissions done, but nothing else matters. I don't need to send out any queries or write any essays.
This idea seems a bit insurmountable. My heart is racing just thinking about it. What if I waste all my time? What if I get nothing done? I need to be OK with not getting anything done. Nothing. Nada. Scary!