Reading list

I am about two inches away from being school-work free! What a glorious feeling! As I alluded to in an earlier post, one of the best things about this time between semesters for me is regaining the ability to read for pleasure.

What is it that makes reading for a deadline/class so different? Even if I like what I'm reading for class, I find it harder to just submerge myself in it. I'm guessing it has to do with feeling the need, with school reading, to stay apart from the story enough to stay alert to why it's working, what the author's intent is, etc. Whereas with pleasure reading I can jump right into the deep end of the characters' lives and setting.

That said, here's what I plan to read in the next month, deep-end style:
* Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky. (I'm 100 pages in and really enjoying it.)
* On Beauty by Zadie Smith
* What is the What by Dave Eggers
* Which Brings Me to You by Steve Almond and Juliana Baggot
* Maybe a Sue Grafton mystery thrown in there. There's nothing like breezing through a good mystery.

For my reading for the semester, I plan to make some suggestions to my mentor this time. In the past I've let them do all the suggesting because I want to be exposed to different things. But this time, I'd like to read at least two of the following:

* Later, At the Bar: A novel in stories by Rebecca Barry
* The newest Alice Munroe
* Possibly Winesburg, Ohio. I'm into the idea of reading a few collections of very linked short stories. Not that that's what I'm working on, but I like the idea.

What are you reading???

Submission: Sent!

Though I literally waited til the 11th hour, I got the last submission of the semester done in time (I sent it out at 11pm last night!). It's very rough. The ending is insanely rushed. But it's out there.

For next semester, I'd like to work on really perfecting my annotation writing. It's something I seem to fluctuate on, with my biggest problem being that something that seems obvious and clear to me is not to an outside reader.

I have a few more to work on my last IS submission (which, to be honest, I haven't even started!). It's just editing two 2nd drafts of chapters, though, so I'm not too stressed. I can't be--because I have to squeeze it in to a very hectic week work-wise and personal life-wise.

I'm SO looking forward to this weekend. For the first time in like a hundred years, I will have NO work to do. In fact, I plan not to turn on my computer. Brian will be away, so I will have plenty of time to myself to regroup. Ahhhh...

Reasons I want to cry

I'm feeling insanely overly emotional today (Poor Brian!). So I thought I'd make a list of reasons I want to cry. Maybe it will help:

1. I went to a baby shower. I hate baby showers. As much as I truly want to be able to celebrate my wonderful friends who decide to have babies, I leave showers feeling like shit. Probably because I have yet to be at one where someone (most often a stranger) doesn't ask, "So when are you going to have a baby?" Now I know this is logical talk for the occasion. But can't anyone see why this might be a tad personal? This time, oddly enough, the question was directed at my husband by another man. And he was pushy! He asked if we had kids, and B said no. Then he said, "Well, you will eventually right?" B said, "Um, probably." Luckily for him he could leave it at that and transition to another conversation. I, on the other hand, am still reeling: do I want to have kids? When? Why? What if I hate him/her/parenting?

2. I've had a cold for a week now. It's a low grade cold, but it's made me exhausted.

3. I am so far behind on my shitty, shitty story it's not even funny. And while I truly admire my mentor and her advice, I think this is her fault. Giving a compliment every now and then wouldn't be a bad thing! And, in fact, it might make the thought of you reading my next story not so scary as to make me not want to write it.

4. Work sucked this week SO badly. For reasons I can't go into on a blog. But let's just say that the tissues atop my desk? I went through a few boxes this week.

5. I have to spend my Saturday night writing a crappy story I don't want to write.

In typical Bug fashion, I can't post such a negative post without some balance. So, some things I'm happy about:

1. I decided to buy a Mac for my new laptop (the PC I'm typing on is slowly dying.) This is a big relief because I hate buying computers, but I'm psyched on the idea of a Mac for all the reasons given in their very cute TV ads.

2. I made my pregnant friend a beautiful hat for her baby.

3. I was able to verbalize the fact I was feeling shitty before I acted out on it. (Yes, I realize that "accomplishment" is something you might praise a 3 year old for)

4. My garden is coming up.

5. As of next week, I CAN READ A BOOK OF MY CHOOSING!!!! You have no idea how excited I am to do this.

6. In two weeks, I'll be in Paris.

7. A small part of me knows I am very proud of the work I've gotten done this semester (though really, some outside praise would be nice!).

Sunday Scribblings: The ocean

The ocean played a big part of my life when I was growing up. Where I lived on Long Island (New York), you could get to a few different beaches in half an hour. And there was ample parking at these beaches, and lots of room for people to spread out. I remember going as a kid a lot, but my more distinct memories are of being there as a teenager.

My first serious boyfriend and I used to go to the beach together all the time, usually at night with a group of our friends. Innocent kiddies that we were (at that point, at least...) we would play minature golf and take walks in the sand. I have beautiful pictures of all of us on the beach watching the sun come up the day after prom. Another time, during the day, he let me put my hand on his chest while we sunbathed so he had a reverse shadow of my hand on him all summer. (And then I broke his heart and we all moved on with our lives...)

Now, the ocean is still technically close to me. Boston, after all, is a city on the water. But getting to a nice beach is not so easy. It usually entails driving for an hour, spending an insane amount of time trying to find parking, and then walking a mile carrying all your beach crap. No wonder I don't go as much as I used to.

I'm hoping with this post someone will alert me to a close, convenient beach that I just don't know about. Anyone??

For more scribblings on the ocean, click here.

Help

I need some help with my story. I've hit a road block, and I can't
figure out a way through. And I have to, cause I need to get a draft
done tonight!

So, here's the deal: a woman's husband doesn't come home when he should. After 24 hours, she calls the cops, who basically believe he ran away with another woman because there's no sign of foul play and the couple was having problems. She's veryadamant that he's not that type of guy, that this isn't that type of marriage. They tell her to snoop around his cell phone, email, etc. Now, here's the roadblock.

I need her to find something suspicious. But what? I don't want it to be anything as obvious as a receipt for a suspiciously feminine item (jewelry, etc.). But I do want it to be something that makes her question how well she knows this man who she
has so much faith in. Something that she would think he would consult her on before doing.

Any ideas??

Another schedule

Yes, I just made a backwards schedule not so long ago. But I have since fallen WAAAAY behind. So, with mere days until my final MFA deadline of the semester, here's a new one:

Tomorrow night: Write madly, for however long it takes to get a first draft done.
Saturday: Enjoy J.P.'s spring festival and M's baby shower.
Saturday night: Revise both annotations
Sunday: Revise, revise, revise.

I got myself a week extension on my IS project (since my advisor was late with comments. My hope is to spend two nights next week working on that, and then be done enough to hand it in. I love how my standards have lowered to include "done enough."

Finding your tribe

I subscribe to an email newsletter called Daily Om. It sends me thoughtful messages each morning (though, to be honest, some are a little too fruity for me to latch onto.) One I particularly liked was about building community, which they called "finding your tribe".

I feel like in the last year, thanks in large parts to my MFA program and Chloe-dog, I have found a group of people who I truly connect with, who understand me, and most importantly who I feel comfortable being my imperfect self in front of. I'm so grateful, and hope you all find your tribes soon, if you haven't already.

Here's a section from the "find your tribe" email:

Part of being human is the search for an individual identity. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, however, is an equally intense desire for acceptance. It is when we find our individual tribes that both are satisfied. Our tribe members are those people who accept us as we are without reservation and gladly accompany us on our journeys of evolution. Among them, we feel free to be our imperfect selves, to engage unabashedly in the activities we enjoy, and to express our vulnerabilities by relying on our tribe for support. We feel comfortable investing our time and energy in the members of our tribe, and are equally comfortable allowing them to invest their resources in our development.

Love letters

I've been a bad blogger. I will blame an insanely stressful end of week at work, a house guest, and a friend's wedding. But now I'm back, and very far behind on my MFA work. So, what else is there to do but procrastinate and blog?

The Cupboard is calling for submissions of love letters. I imagine they want things that are more creative than a letter from a wife to her husband. I doubt I'll submit anything, but it has been fun to think about what I could write a love letter to. Here are two of my ideas. Please add yours in comments!
* An ode to ice coffee on the first spring-like day
* A letter to the person on the bus who met my eye when the crazy person next to me started screaming about Jesus. It's people like her who help me uphold my beliefs in my own sanity

What a change in perspective (and some Cosmos) can do

As my loyal readers know, I've been having a hard time getting started on my new story. I wrote about 8 pages in the third person, and was pretty bored with it. Then, tonight, after making myself a cosmo and doing some reading (and drinking) on my porch, I started thinking about my story in the first person. And bam! I have an interesting voice to work with.

(A special thanks to my brother, who taught me how to make a killer cosmo when I saw him two weeks ago.)

What if.... I tell you a bit about myself?

In the wonderful writing book, What If?, there's an exercise on character development where you ask yourself the below questions about your character and then yourself. I'm not sure what the point of asking yourself the questions is--maybe just to show you how much you know about yourself and therefore how much you ought to know about your characters? In any case, here are the answers for me.

1. Characters name: Christine
2. Characters nickname: So many! She never liked the name Christine/felt at home with it, so she embraces nicknames. CJ, Bug, Ceej, Chris, Chrissy (as a kid). One day she hopes someone will nickname her CeCe.
3. Sex: F
4. Age: 27
5. Looks: Gorgeous! Just kidding: 5'2", petite frame, light brown straight hair, shoulder-length at the moment with layers. Blue eyes.
6. Education: BS in communications, currently pursuing an MA in Literature and Creative Writing and an MFA in writing
7. Vocation/occupation: editor
8. Status and money: comfortable
9. Marital status: Married
10. Race/ethnicity: White
11. Diction, accent: None really. She lost her Long Island accent when she moved to Boston, and never got a new one. She slips into her old accent sometimes when she's tired or drunk (wawtah for water...)
12. Relationships: She likes relationships. Thrives on them, actually, and tries to cultivate them vigorously with the people who she meets and really clicks with. Has had to prune away some older friendships when they didn't grow with her.
13. Places: Grew up in N.Y., moved to Boston for college and stayed. Spent a semester in London and LOVED it. Loves to travel and see how different people live.
14. Possessions: Too many of them, though she's not into stuff for stuffs sake. Her favorite possessions would, oddly enough, be electronics: her laptop (which is sadly dying), her camera. Has lots and lots of books. And shoes.
15. Obsessions: Many.
16. Beliefs: That learning to be aware of your feelings is the best thing you can learn to do. That reading can make you a better person. That having a community of like-minded people around her keeps her sane. On her good days, that we're all doing our best and we should help each other out whenever and however we can.
17. Sexual history: I'll leave this to the reader's imagination. ;)
18. Ambitions: To publish a novel, to publish short stories, to teach writing, to not have to work full time in an office, to have lots of dogs, to calm down.
19. Religion: More spiritual than religious. Has a tough time truly believing in anything, though she definitely believes in something, though that something may be undefined.
21. Fears: conflict, being taken advantage of, being in pain
22. Attitudes: Liberal
23. Flaws: perfectionist, overly sensitive, not able to always process emotions before acting, often running late (lately)
24. Strengths: Not afraid to work hard towards a goal, open minded, kind, willing to help others, responsible, flexible
25. Personal preferences: Warm weather over cold, walking over driving, being outside over inside, quiet over noisy, wine over beer, staying in over going out.
26. Astrological sign: Cancer
27. Talents: Standing on her head.

Another (f'n) backwards schedule

Can you tell I'm both a little behind and a bit annoyed about my last MFA submission of the semester?

Here's a backwards schedule to help me get there:

May 7: submission due
May 6: proof and finalize submission pieces, write letter to advisor
May 5: Concentrate on IS submission; do first edit of story. (Aghhh!)
Friday, May 4: Edit annotations.
Next week: Write two to three hours a day to get a draft of story done by Friday.
This weekend: Write second annotation. (Workload here is light because I'll have a house guest and a friend's wedding.)
This week: Do in-depth character study of main character (a suggestion from my mentor), read as many short stories as I am able to find topic for second annotation. (I did one this weekend.)

Sunday Scribblings: Rooted

Since lovely spring weather has finally befallen Boston, I spent a few hours in the garden yesterday. I planted some bulbs, and fertilized the buds that are emerging. I don't know what it is I love about gardening. Being outside is one thing, seeing results of my efforts another. And, though of course I could explain the way plants root and sprout and grow through science, there is a bit of magic there too. I put something that looks like a clove of garlic in the dirt and a few months later yellow and purple and blue flowers wave to people passing my house? Magic I tell you.

(No, that pic is not from my garden. It's not that warm here yet!)

My problem

Part of my problem (see previous post about exhaustion) is that I rebel against myself in the silliest of ways. I know that having a set routine will help me feel less overwhelmed. I know that getting up early, at the same time each morning and doing my morning pages and then meditating before taking Chloe out really helps me get focused. But part of me hates the idea of being so rigid, of making myself do things when I really don't want to. In the same way, my teenage self loves not worrying about making a mess, leaving her clothes in piles in the bathroom or on the bedroom floor, even though the rest of me knows that it makes no sense to do so since I'll eventually have to to pick them up anyway, and in the meantime the mess will stress me out.

So, starting tomorrow, I will set an alarm and actually get out of bed when it goes off. I'll drink my (decaf) coffee while writing and then give myself some meditation time. I'll do this for 7 days. If at the end of those 7 days I don't think the routine is helping me feel more in control, I'll be allowed to revert back to sleeping in and getting ready for work like a mad woman. (Being neater will have to wait. One thing at a time!)

Exhausted

I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, you name it. I think it's because I let myself take a long break between MFA submissions, and I enjoyed it too much. Now I don't want to get started again--I want a real break.

So, I'm once again going to back off of the other things I expect of myself. This blog might be quieter than usual. Friends might not get seen as much. My bulbs might not get planted, and my shawl might not get knit (as much as I really, really want to...) I'll still keep some room for fun (tennis, walking Chloe), but no obligations about it.

Though I'm fighting myself here. I really want to sew Chloe's bed this weekend. But it is feeling more like an obligation, something that's just waiting to get checked off the to-do list.

OK, bye for now!

Reading question

I have the opportunity to read part of my creative writing at a thesis forum (for that other degree I'm getting that I rarely talk about). They want 15-20 minutes. How many pages would that be? Anyone know?

PS--Day one of the Purple Bracelet Challenge: Not so good. This rainy, raw weather ain't making this easy! Plus I had a hard time sleeping last night, and a harder time not complaining about it. The bracelet did make me think first beforeIM'ing my coworker about a slightly annoying situation. So, a minor victory, but I'll need to start over tomorrow.

A complaint free world?

A church in Kansas City is trying to get the world to stop it's bitching, complaining, kvetching, etc. Participants in the challenge get a purple, plastic bracelet (ala the yellow ones Lance Armstrong made famous a few years ago) and they need to switch it from one wrist to the other every time they complain, gossip, or criticize. The goal is to keep it on the same hand for 21 days (meaning you don't complain at all for 3 weeks! Imagine!)

I read about this challenge through a friend of a friend, N2N. She had ordered 10 bracelets and said she would mail them to the first 10 bloggers to respond. I immediately emailed her out of some deeply ingrained desire to take on each and every challenge put before me, and to always take advantage of free stuff. It was only after she so kindly sent me the bracelet that I stopped to think, why am I doing this?

Sure, I could use an impetus to stop some complaining, and all gossiping and criticizing. But all complaining? I don't think so. Some of it is necessary. It makes me feel better, allows me to express how I'm truly feeling in the moment, and hopefully sets me on a path to not get in the complaint-inducing situation again.

That said, I do a lot of unnecessary complaining. I bitch about the weather even when I don't truly need to, but am just looking for something to say. I bitch about annoying little things at work (like the construction that's going on outside my office window, or a loud talker in the office) mostly because a coworker and I have gotten into a bad habit of IMing each other about things like that. Those complaints aren't particularly justified, I don't need advice about them, and spouting them doesn't make me feel any better.

So, blog world, I pledge to try my hardest to only participate in what I'm calling "necessary complaining", and no criticizing or gossiping. Wish me luck. And get your own bracelet here... if you dare!

New story

Though this week has been insane, I have given my brain a small chance to rest in that I didn't make myself think about the new
story I plan to write for my last submission of the semester. When I think about a story, it's pretty much all I can think of. Even when I'm not "working," part of my brain is sorting through things I see and do to see if any of them might berelevant to my story in some way.

Now the time has come to start the thinking process hard core. I want to begin writing on Monday, using my new but so-far-trusty method of writing forward for 2 hours at a time (meaning no going back to edit or reread).

My new story will be a mystery of sorts, inspired by, I assume, Brian, who loves mystery books, movies, and radio dramas. Here's the basic premise. I'd love to hear what you think!

A woman comes home early from a meditation retreat (for a yet to be
determined reason--maybe everyone was coming down with a stomach bug
and they suggested everyone leave). She didn't have her cell phone or
any way of communicating with her husband, as part of the desire to get
away from it all. She and her husband had been having problems (of some
sort, though nothing super serious), and the retreat was a time to get
away and think on her own for a week. She comes home and finds her
husband is not there. The house is fine, though some of his personal
affects are missing. And there's mail all over the kitchen floor, but
that's normal because their cat always knocks it off the table, where
her husband leaves it.

She calls some friends, no one has heard from him. He works for himself, so there's no office to check with. After the requisite 24 hours, she calls the police. They are very snide with her and imply that he obviously ran off, probably with another woman. Though she knows how it looks, she knows that that is not true. Despite what was going on between them, she knows he would never do something like that. The cops all but laugh at her. She goes to a private detective who basically does the same thing. She's getting angrier and angrier, and also starting to doubt herself and her husband, though most of the time she is still convinced.

Something else has to happen at this point, but I'm not sure what. Maybe she ransacks the house for clues of an affair or... something. She probably also has frustrating phone calls with family and friends. Eventually she finds a detective who believes her, and her sense of relief is amazing. I want that to be the climax of the story--that finding someone who believes her, and believes in her marriage is the important thing. The denouement will be when her husband comes home--he had gone
to help his brother on his fishing boat, and had left a note that the cat knocked off the counter with the pile of mail. His phone had fallen into the water, which is why she couldn't reach him, and he hadn't bothered calling because she wasn't supposed to be home yet anyway.

Themes will be: trusting your gut, trusting in marriage (even when it's hard),
and the relief that can come when someone believes you.

If you have thoughts on the idea, ways to make it better, what to have happen in the middle... or anything... please comment!

Poetry Thursday

A poster from last year's Poetry Month hangs proudly on my cube wall. It has snippets of lots of different poems. Here's one my favorites--and one that is particularly relevent on this dark, dreary, and snowy morning here in Boston:

I wake to sleep and take my waking slow
~Roethke

Yawn!


And in other literary news, here's a reading that I may try to go to next week, though I'll have to be late because of my French class:


A Reading by Grace Paley
with Robert Pinsky and Samantha Mineo Myers

Wednesday, April 18
7:30 p.m.
Boston University Photonics Center
8 Saint Mary’s Street, Room 206

Reception and Book Signing to Follow

GRACE PALEY is one of the most celebrated and widely read short-story writers in the United States. Her most recent book, The Collected Stories, gathers short fiction from earlier collections, including The Little Disturbances of Man and Later the Same Day. Paley’s many awards include grants from the Guggenheim Foundation and the National Endowment for the Arts. She lives in Vermont.

A night off

After reading about TI's fabulous plans for her day off, I just could
not make myself work last night. Instead I drank tea and knit.

And I started making my Chloe a new bed. (Brian has decided she can't sleep with us anymore since she monopolizing the bed. And the ones for sale at Petco, etc. are like hundreds of dollars. So I bought some foam and covered it in fabric I had from a previous project. Now all I have to do is get up the nerve to sew it together and put in a zipper. My sewing machine scares me. I feel around it like I did around computers 15 years ago--like I can somehow make the whole thing break by touching the wrong button.)

So marvelous. Though I'm not sure I'll be feeling the same way tomorrow night when I have to play catch up.

abecedarian

this word came into my inbox, courtesy of one of those word-of-the-day emails. It made me smile after I studied the pronunciation. Words crack me up sometimes.


abecedarian \ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn\, noun:

1. One who is learning the alphabet; hence, a beginner.
2. One engaged in teaching the alphabet.
3. Pertaining to the letters of the alphabet.
4. Arranged alphabetically.
5. Rudimentary; elementary.

Lorraine Heggessey and executive producer Jeremy Mills adroitly tapped into a national obsession at exactly the right time, presenting the topic in a way that appealed to experts and abecedarians alike.
-- Victor Lewis-Smith, "Lords of the mobile dance", The Evening Standard, June 11, 2001